Yesterday we were intoduced to Biosynthesis, which starts in utero, and that there are three aspects of embodiment.
Ecto – thoughts, thinking, eyes and skin
Endo – emotions & feelings – organs
Meso – musculo-skeletal system and movement.
We were then asked to write about one aspect of our adoption story, and which of the three, or combination of them that we feel we work from, where we may be stuck or whatever comes up for us.
As someone who has been working on herself for over 30 years, I feel that I am pretty intergrated most of the time. My periods of “going” off when I don’t feel as if I am in my body, are lessening. When I do “go” I am able to recognise it a lot quicker, and find a quiet place to explore why I have been triggered, and then work on releasing the negative emotions attached to that event and then forgiving the person or people involved. Yesterday evening, watching the film, The Mauritanian, the main character explained that in his language, free and forgiveness, are the same word. Forgiveness sets us free.
So during the flourish writing session I was taken back to my teens, when I felt that no-one was allowed to function in their endo-aspect. You couldn’t let on that you weren’t happy, or that you were sad or angry, you put on a brave face, there were children in a far worse place than you were, smile and pretend that everything is alright with the world. Now I get the “Fake it to make it” sentiment, I really do, but that involves the ecto to be involved, and the meso to act as though it is happening. Just working from endo, in a fake way is not being truthful and honest, which is how I was brought up to be. So my ecto and my endo were not in sync together.
Without trying to judge my mother, I think she shut off her endo many years previously. She did not allow her emotions to show, and I appreciate that her life was not easy, being evacuated age 9 3/4, away from her mother, her father dying when she was 3 or 4. Marrying a man who was a womaniser. I now stop and wonder if he fathered any children outside of that marriage – now there’s a thought I hadn’t considered before. He had more than one affair I believe. Are there half brothers or sisters out there? My parents left London in 1954, what made them make that decision? Will someone contact my 3 siblings claiming that they were related. Oh how ignorance can be bliss. Maybe Vera knows them, maybe she was subjected to watching women’s bodies swell with the seed of her huband. DNA Family Secrets now takes on a whole new aspect.
But back to my teeneage years and my endo being closed off. It means that I went into my 20’s unable to function emotionally as I would like to have done. It is probably not unusual for an adoptee not to be able to express their emotions and be understood and heard and have them honoured by the people that matter to them. I am now in a marriage where my feelings are heard and my emotional needs met, where I am heard and listened to because we have explored things together.
Yesterday I was reminded in my musings, of the day of our wedding, when my mother told my mother in law that Steve was too good for me. As I was writing I became aware of a tremendous heavy weight, or burden being placed across my shoulders and my heart becam very heavy at the memory of that thought. I know it weighs heavily on me, and that to be free I need to forgive her. I know that my husband is a good man and that I deserve him and I deserve good in my life. Good is good, the good life is what we all deserve. Good for adoptees takes work, hard work, hard work digging, to find those nuggets that are hdden deep within us. Beautiful words, beautiful creations come from the pain and suffering that is in the world. All the beautiful songs and lyrics are borne out of pain, break-ups, deaths and partings. We adoptees can contribute to the beauty of creation when we engage all three aspects of ourselves and start creating.
Blessings and Joy, Joy