Jumping Over the Obstacles

Writing Prompt. Hay House writer’s community, pathway 2, some step somewhere on the path.

My #1 obstacle is……?

My number one obstacle at the moment is time. No it’s not, it’s the organization of time. I have the same time in my days as everyone else, and yet other people have managed to write a book and get it published, so time is not the issue it is the organization of it. Let’s start again shall we?

My number one obstacle at the moment is that the process of writing a book is humungous, the more I research it the more that I realise that there is a huge amount that goes into writing a book and the whole process, and I gulp at the enormity of it all. I have a very good suppport system, who give me positive encouragement and feedback and tell me that the world needs my book, which is very encouraging, and then I watch another step in the Hay House writer’s community and realise that there is so much more to writing a book than just writing your story. Support is everything, to help get over the obstacles. There is a whole team behind each book.

At the moment I have a deadline of April 19th to get a book proposal in, and I have so much to do towards it. I need to find other books in my genre, which my book will complement and I honestly can’t find one. I have found adoptee memoirs such as Anne Heffron’s “You Don’t Look Adopted” or AHL Beattie’s trilogy, but neither of them are prescriptive memoirs or offer teaching or tips of how to deal with the after effects, the emotional roller coaster which adoptees experience. Then there is Nancy Verrier’s work of “Coming Home to Self” but she is not an adoptee, she is a professional and an adoptive parent, so I am still searching for the books to compare for that section of the book proposal. Maybe I can use the examples I have given and say that my story is going to combine the two types into a teaching memoir. Oh and the other constraint is that the book should have been published within the past two years. Nancy Verrier’s work is over 25 years old I believe. Anne’s and Beattie’s are more recent, but they are not teaching memoirs. So if anyone knows of a teaching memoir that has been writtne by an adoptee in the past two years please let me know. It will allow me to jump over what is probably my number one obstacle at the moment. Time will tell.

Blessings and Joy, Joy

What Is Most Important to Me?

As I try and focus hard on writing my book and getting a book proposal in to Hay House publishing, I am still on track to write 100 blog posts in 100 days. My posts are currently being prompted by the suggestions that Hay House pose for us, in the writer’s community. I am currently on the Aspiring Author pathway, and was recently asked “The most important thing is…..? So here is my response to that question:

The most important thing to me is:

To be authentic. I would like this story of mine to inspire people that there is hope that they can lead a fulfilled life after adoption.

Adoptees are so often tuned into the emotions of separation ie guilt, sadness, shame etc and I want to provide them with a tool and a resource that they can tune into the emotions of connection, of love, kindness, compassion and forgiveness. It is not an easy path to tread but it is extremely rewarding. It is important that by writing my story, I can give them a role model, or scaffold by which they can build their own lives to discover who they were truly meant to be, to use the hardships, trials and tribulations that have happened to them, to bring out the gem that is hidden below the layers of hurt.

We had no control over our adoptions. We had no control over who raised us, who we were raised with, whether or not we could blend in or whether we stood out based purely on our facial features or skin colouring. We took what we were given and made the best of it, but for many it was not a family that reflected us.

It is important to me that the world understands how adoptees feel about themselves and how they filter and view the world. This would help them enormously to be understood by those who surround them. Isn’t it the hope of everyone to be understood by all who come into contact with them?

What is important to you?

Can You Help Me?

I am looking for two or three people who can help me with the ideas that I am mulling over and give feedback, with regard to the content of my book. If you could be one of them, the please comment at the bottom of this post, giving me your ideas on how I can improve my work.

Over the past few days I have been working through the Hay House steps, in an effort to become a published author. Today I was working on the benefits that my book will offer my readers. Here are my initial thoughts:

Explanation 1

By sharing the story of my life as an adoptee, by explaining the steps and processes that I have developed to help me with my understanding of myself, and my behaviours, I hope to help my readers understand how adoptees view the world. My reader may be an adoptee themselves, they may be parents or family members who have adopted, they may work with people within the adoption triad, or maybe even have employees who are adopted. My story will help them to understand how their behaviour may be contributing to the adoptee’s behaviour.

Many adoptees are labelled as borderline personality disorder, but I prefer to think that their behaviour is an adaptation behaviour. My book will explain this, to enable those around adoptees, to help support them.

Explanation 2

As an adoptee, I am writing a book that will be my personal story and journey, describing my life and how I came to find joy and myself by applying 7 simple steps to discover who the real Joy is.

By describing the daily rituals that I do, I hope to guide anyone who feels rejected, to feel more positive about themselves and to realise that to have another person love you, you first need to love yourself, for who you are.

These rituals are as important as showering, shaving, cleaning teeth and eating, for our personal wellbeing. Simple things in life will often trigger an adoptee, and these imple steps will help the reader to understand why they have been triggered and how to heal from it.

So which of thsoe 2 explanations would attract you to pick up my book and read it? Or maybe neither of them would and you are looking for something else to help you? Please comment and let me know.

Blessings and Joy, Joy

I am Writing a Book About…..

…so starts the writing prompt in the Hay House writing community aimed at those who are serious about writing their book. Here is my 7 minutes of free writing on the subject.

I am writing a book about my experience as an adoptee and how it has affected my life on a personal level.

Growing up knowing that I was adopted, I never really gave it any thought. I grew up in a loving household with my parents, three natural children of theirs, and one other girl who was fostered and adopted when she was eleven and I was six. I was legally adopted at four, but came to live with the family from 10 days old.

It was only when I left home that I began to behave in ways that looking back, I am disgusted with. At the time I was desperately unhappy, but I didn’t know it. Relationships were not total disaters, I had a couple of long term relationships in my 20’s but I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted and I certainly wasn’t very loving.

By writing my story I hope to reach out to other adoptees who are out there struggling to survive, struggling to swim in their own shark-infested emotions. My book aims to give people easy to follow guidelines as to how to start to be their own person, after a lifetime of living as a chameleon, trying to blend in with another family, sometimes so far removed from their own birth culture.

I hope that adoptive parents, social workers, teachers educationist, employers and bosses will take an interest in how the trauma inflicted at birth, affected my development and may appreciate the behaviour in those around them, and rather than label us as borderline personalitty disorder, we are seen as having adapted our behaviour to fit in, and that in the process we have lost the sesne of ourselves and need help and understanding to find ourselves.

Is this a book that you would pick up and read? Would it help you for yourself or for someone around you?

Blessings and Joy, Joy

Becoming a Jellyfish

As part of being in the Hay House writer’s community, I have access to a motivational video each month, and this month has been one by Deepak Chopra. It was just over 20 minutes long but it was packed full of useful information on the Principles of the Creative Process.

It was all very interesting, but as an adoptee, what intrigued me the most was his introduction of his own background working on what he called “molecules of emotion”.

He identified chemicals called neuro-peptides, which were released in every emotional state, each emotion having it’s own certain chemical. And the interesting ah-ha moment for me, was when he said that these chemicals are released and have receptors everywhere in the body. “The cells in our body listens to receive our emotions”.

So when the baby is relinquished at birth, it has receptors in every single part of it’s body, that register that emotion! No wonder we adoptees feel our pain in every single part of our body. Our body’s were so awash with the strong emotion it has been written into our cells, and we keep reproducing it. We are programmed from then on for separation, everything is filtered through that experience, and we become dis-connected in our emotions, thoughts and subsequent actions. Separating emotions are; guilt, shame, depression, sorrow

The mind is not in the brain, it is in all the cells of your body

Now that I have had that ah-ha moment, I can now take steps to over-write and change my receptors to one’s of connection. Connecting emotions are: joy, love, compassion, kindness, forgiveness.

Over the past month in the Flourish group we have been looking at the subject of embodiment. How do we feel in our bodies. This week, I kept getting images of jelly-fish, and tried to visualise and embody that ease of movement, effortless, gliding, within my own body’s movement, as I move. Jellyfish are invertebrates, that is they don’t have a back-bone. I was reminded of the phrase “get a back-bone”. To tell someone that they need to “get a back-bone” is to insinuate that they can’t stand up to people, allow themself to be walked over by other people, but what if what is actually needed is to float through life more like a jelly fish, which has no back-bone. My intention from now on is to glide and flow through life.

I have spent many hours watching this youtube clip of jellyfish doing just that. Whilst you watch it I am just going to glide off, down the stairs and get myself a large G&T, and will probably float off to bed and the land of nod.

Tomorrow I will share more of what Deepak shared about the principles of the creative process.

Blessings and Joy, Joy

Book Outline is Shaping Up

My blog posts have been a bit short recently on the whole adoption topic. That is because I have been spending a lot of time on my book outline and chapter development. This is how well it is going!

I have started to expand those chapters, add the details of my story under the chapter headings, and the therapy that helped me to heal as I went. Still work in progress. It’s taking longer than I thought, but it will be worth it.

So for now my posts are going to be short and sweet. I have a deadline of 19th April to get a book proposal in.

Have a great weekend. If you are in the UK, remember that the clocks spring forward tonight. 1 less hour in bed 😦

Blessings and Joy, Joy

Writing My Story

For the past few months I have been working with a business coach/mentor and she has been helpng me to focus on my goals. I was telling her today about the book proposal that has a deadline for 19th April 2021 with Hay House publishing house and what I need to do to submit. I told her some of my story, and she is excited to read my book. Her face lit up as she thought of holding my story in her hand and reading more about what I was telling her. I was glad to see that she was excited for me, as excitement is something I don’t really do. If I do, the expectation rarely meets the reality. Like expecting to be put into my mothers’ arms at birth.

I was reminded of this Brene Brown quote:

So over the next few days I have set several goals.

1 To finalise the chapter outline for my book and write summaries for each chapter.

2 To locate the proposal guideline

3 To write my cover letter and bio in preparation to submit in 3 weeks.

1 & 2 are goals for this weekend, and 3 is to be done before we meet again next Thursday.

Do you set yourself goals?

Blessings and Joy, Joy

Adoptee Brain

Is it me or is there a strange energy in the air? It feels as though I may be about to have a big break through, get some clarity on a big issue that’s going on in my head. Or then again it could be the whole covie thing that is dragging on and on.

The full force of the adoptee brain has finally hit me. I don’t want to sound like a victim, but I am struggling and dealing with what it means to have an adoptee brain. I describe like this.

First of all I need to be the one initiating factual information. If you try and tell me something, the chances are I won’t retain it. It’s as if I haven’t allocated a receptacle in my brain in which to store the information. That channel wasn’t fired, for me to wire to. If I ask you for information, then I have opened up a file in my head, in which to store it, and it will be retained. I have a black or white approach. At times I feel as though I am on the autistic spectrum. If you send me an email with the subject line – Greetings – I will take it that it is an informal chat, catchy uppy type thing. If you include content which is requiring a formal reply, it is unlikely to receive the attention it deserves.

It all comes back to expectations. I expected to be placed in my mother’s arms. It didn’t happen. I expect the subject line to match the contents. When it doesn’t happen, I have an over exaggerated response in my brain, those firings have not made those wirings, and over the years, due to not having an understanding of the situation, I have continued to fire and wire in a brain traumatised way. It is only now that I am beginning to understand how big this is, and the effect it can have in my day to day interactions with others.

In the past few days, I have listened to Gregg Braden, as part of the Hay House Healing Summit. He reiterated the way of being grateful for all things, as if they have alreayd happened. Smell it, feel it, immerse yourself in the sensations of actually being healed. My therapy for today on Therapy Thursday. So my affirmation is:

I am grateful that my brain is wired to work efficiently in all circumstances. I am grateful for the firing and wiring in my brain that enables me to face all experiences equally regardless of whether or not they meet my expectations. I greet all experinces with love, empathy, compassion and humilty.

If you have experience of adoptee brain, I would love to hear how you deal with it. What have you found to help? Please drop them in the comments.

Join us in the Finding Joy Community on facebook and learn more about Finding Joy in your life.

Flourish Reflection Part 5

31st January 2021

OK I am going to start this with a confession. This is not a reflection but a dive into the question that we didn’t have time to write about yesterday, concerning emotions. I thought I would do it as homework. Well aren’t I the class swot?

So where is my emotional home? Where am I most comfortable living?

The word that came to mind was despondent. How depressing is that? I thought I had more joy in me than that, but my Soul says it is stuck in despondency, so here we go, let’s dig into that shall we. Where has this come from?

1st February 2021

Well I didn’t get very far with that did I? A date selective video, that was only up until the end of the month, in the Hay House Community, was needing to be watched, and it was 2 hours long!!! But it was so worth watching. I am more motivated than ever to bring my story, wisdom and experience to the world, for those that need to hear it.

So to continue on with despondency, I am going to side track a little. In the flourish group, we were reminded to try and recall the good times, the joyful times. It is so easy for an adoptee to focus on the bad stuff, the stuff that makes us feel despondent. I am beginning to recognise that I am spending less and less time in despondency, but not actually spending time feeling joyful either. It is like I am in limbo.

The video I watched last night, was by Brendon Burchard, and he did an exercise with his audience. He did it around increasing energy and motivation, but I am going to apply it to my situation and it goes like this.

Where on the despondent-joy scale are you? Give it a number between 1 and 10.

Now close your eyes and using your imagination, nudge it up a notch towards joy. Now keep on repeating the “nudging it up a notch towards joy” in your mind. How close can you get your energy towards the energy of joy?

I am going to concentrate on that exercise whenever I get the chance, and see if I can change my emotion.

Try it for yourself, I would love to know how you get on?

Blessings and Joy, Joy

Hay House

Whoever would have imagined back in July 2020, when I signed up for Hay House publishing 7 day writer’s challenge, I would be where I am now? Today is the start of the second writer’s challenge organised by Hay House and I am signed up to go round a second time. The first one was such an inspiration and got us all thinking about all sorts of things about being a writer that I hadn’t even considered. Things like genre, who’s book would sandwich yours? As well as helpful tips to get into a good writing habit.

Today whilst trying to do my daily writing practice, I was reminded of the guy who said he had a dream about hay bales just before he was going to meet someone from the publishing house. It didn’t mean much to him, until he met the person who explained where they were from. That led me to a memory when I was a child, of playing in a field where the hay bales were being uplifted. It may not mean much to someone who has not been adopted, but the brain of the adoptee has undured a psychological trauma and childhood memories are fleeting things, so to be able to remember one is precious.

Out the back of the house where I lived until I was ten, there was a field. We could access the field by going through our garden and over or under the wire border which separated our garden from the field. One particular summer’s day, the farmer was out picking up the hay bales with his tractor and trailer. I remember being inside a hay bale house that had been made. I don’t recall who had made it, maybe my siblings who had then vacated it. I don’t think I was big enough to have constructed the house itself. I was inside with my friend Tessa and possibly others. We got scared as we thought the fork on the tractor would pick us all up, so we were quite relieved to see Mr Mason’s head pop over the top of the house and find us first.

I have very few childhood memories and was so pleased to be able to recall this one. I have a very complicated brain which links the most obscure things together, which means I can go off on a tangent and people have difficulty keeping track of my conversations. It’s never boring around me, frustrating yes, boring no. Searching through pictures to add to this post I could almost smell the hay, can you?

What childhood memories do you have? Do any of them involve hay?

Blessings and Joy, Joy