Tears Fell, Blurring Our Vision

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View from Our Bedroom at the B&B

This week has gone by in a bit of a blur. It started on Monday morning at 7 am, with a call from the hospital where my Mother in Law had been since Christmas. The nursing staff had found her un-responsive and they had called to inform us that they were keeping her under observation. Half an hour later they rang again, this time to inform us that she was being transferred over to the A&E department of the general hospital. The rest of the day is pretty raw in my mind.

The 3 brothers all managed to be at the hospital, accompanied by their 3 wives, together, to hear the Consultant tell us that this was “End of Life Care” She had suffered a major stroke and that their focus was now not in treating her but to keep her comfortable.

The family kept a vigil around her bedside for the rest of that day and through the night, before she peacefully passed away early Tuesday morning.

The week then progressed with visits to the hospital to collect paperwork to enable the death to be registered, to funeral directors to arrange a funeral, hours on the phone to various people, some to notify her passing, others to arrange equipment that had been on loan, such as hospital beds and other equipment designed to make caring for a loved one at home, easier on the carers.

I managed just 2 visits to the gym, I think my legs thanked me for that.

By Thursday my husband had had enough and just wanted to get way for the weekend and chill. I was left to make the arrangements. We are in an enviable part of the world, with Loch Lomond within a 2 hour drive, but after many hours searching the internet for a room for 2 nights, I was unable to find a vacant room, so one night when I couldn’t sleep, I came across a B&B in the Trossachs. It was all he had asked for, quiet, somewhere he could sit and relax and contemplate.

So after a stressful week, we drove away from it all, to spend a weekend in a remote place where the view from our bedroom was divine. This morning, we woke to an absolute still morning, where the surface of the loch was a millpond, the reflection in perfect symettry. The view of the ridge was a bit blurred, but it revealed itself at times as the mist lifted, much as our vision became clearer when the tears which flowed, abated.

Training for the 10k was achieved mainly by walking in this beautiful landscape

I hope your week has been slightly better than mine.

Thank you for reading, and if you have been affected by death at any point I would love to know how you are dealing with it.

Blessings Joy x

via Daily Prompt: Blur

Hygge on a Lukewarm Day

Some days you jump out of bed shouting “Carpe Diem” and others you pull the covers over your head and have a “hygge experience” as explained so succinctly by Suzie of Suzie Speaks. Today was the latter. There is a reason for feeling lukewarm about today, and if you are upset my sad stories then I urge you not to read any further than this.

Today is the day that my son should be celebrating his 27th birthday. But for whatever reason he chose, my son’s soul did not want to hang around on this planet. It entered this earthly plane and left it straight away. I manage to survive because I believe his soul chose me, a strong woman, to have that experience.

So forgive me if I am lukewarm today. Forgive me if I fail to see the funny side, the awe in nature, nor want to entertain or hold an intelligent conversation about mulit-million dollar questions.

Today is a day for embracing the simple things in life. Curling up on a sofa, watching the rain run in rivulets down the windowpane as I feel the tears do the same down my cheek. It is a day to soak in a bath, breathing deep the aromas of clary sage and jasmine. Oils that I know will bring forth more tears. Yesterday I heard about the death of a gentleman who has gone to be with his Maker. He was not my father, but he showed me fatherly love. It warms my heart to think that my son and this man will find each other, and that my son now has a guide in spirit with him. It warms me a little to reminisce group-outside-church

Tomorrow is also likely to be a day where I feel lukewarm. Over the coming days, as the days lengthen and signs of spring can be seen, I will begin to warm up, like the crocus that pops it’s head up out of the soil, the colour will return to my life. But for now, it’s an oxtail stew with dumplings for dinner, a cuddle on the sofa, wrapped up warm and snuggled with a man who understands me. The simple things in life.

Be kind to yourself

Thank you for reading

Blessings Joy

Secrets and Turmoil

Period Costume Drama Versailles Pilgrims ProgressI happily admit that I am a bit of a costume period drama addict, and the most recent 1 that I am catching up on is Versailles, the story of the Sun King Louis XIV of France, the BBCs latest. It has been on about 5 weeks now, but I always seem to miss it when it is on the Beeb, and I amĀ  watching it on catch-up. I am on episode 2. Episode 1 ends with the Queen giving birth to her second child, a girl, who also happens to be, lets just say, not the same skin tone as the King. And here, for me, the problem starts, although there was obviously problems in the royal marriage of at least 9 months gestation.

In the second episode, we see a funeral, a pretence, a show, to everyone around the court and the country and to it’s neighbours, the Dutch, that there has been another story, the story of a still-birth. Most of the court is unaware of what has happened, they are grieving the death of the Royal Princess, unknowing that the child is alive and well, and being nursed by a blind wet-nurse.

How many times in our lives does something happen that we did not want to happen, and then we invent stories to cover up the truth?

When I attended my Mother’s funeral, the lies that she had told to her friends began to becomeĀ  much clearer to me. The reason that she had kept me at arms length at events that I would have liked to have been invited to, became much clearer. She had lied about my life, she had lied about who my father was, she had told stories to those around her, and she had to keep the pretence up.

There is a line in the 2nd episode, it goes “Don’t you understand how rumours start? Silence only fuels the fire” If people are not told the truth, then they make up their own.

I find myself watching Versailles and thinking about the political turmoil in the current situation in the UK and the EU. History really doesn’t change that much. Costume does, but not the human story behind it, the power, the way women have used their charm and beauty to get what they want, the power hungry men (and women) and the death and destruction that powerful people leave in their wake.

Would the Real Joy, Please Stand Up!

Can you remember where you were when you first saw the clip of Susan Boyle making her debut on Britain’s Got Talent? Can you remember your thoughts as you heard that 47 year old, “Just 1 side of me!” comment? I certainly do. Yesterday I saw another “Talent” clip, although this one was on Facebook, and from America’s Got Talent, and was shown I believe on Tuesday 9th June 2016, the same day as the Daily Propt was “Transformation”. What with being on holiday at the time, the time differences between Europe and the States, and the power of social media to mess with your head where timeframes are concerned, I apologise up front for any incorrect statements that I have just made. Anyway to the point of this blog.

This is the clip I saw. If you haven’t seen it yet, I say, “Where have you been?” and take a look now.

I think it apt that Grace was on AGT on the day that the Daily Prompt was transformation, because this young lady’s life is going to chnage beyond all recognition. I hope and pray that her transformation is handled in such a way that she rtains her innocence,beauty and “Grace”. Her singing and music was touching in it’s simplicity and the rawness of emotion that it evoked in me.

 

Grace Vanderwaal, I Don't KNow who I am,

 

Why did it do that?
2 reasons I think, summed up in the first 2 lines.

“I Don’t Know My Name!”

What adopted person does? We are born with one name, but then someone decides they might prefer another, and so we grow up with that. It is something that we grow up with, the uncertainty of knowing even the basics about ourselves, like our name at birth. For those of you who are not adopted, you will probably not understand how much you take for granted, the ability to ask your parents about yourself, your family history on health and genetics, where you come from, that sort of thing. We for the most part are left wondering do we have inherited diseases in our genes, will we develop something later in life, that we are already programmed at birth? Where do I come from? What can I expect to develop in my lifetime? Not just in health, but are there any Gifts and Special Abilities in our genes? The questions go on. Is this a Gift, wrapped in newspaper? The fact that my life can be completely written by me, because I don’t expect to develop the family traits, cos I don’t know what they are, I don’t know what makes me who I am?

Secondly “I Don’t Play By the Rules”

No neither do I. Why? Well I guess the first rule of a new life is that your Mother hangs around to show you the game and the rules to play by. If that cardinal rule is broken, then you are given carte blanche to say that I don’t play by them.

I will reflect more on this young ladies work and music. I hope she retains her innocence and grace, as she, and the rest of the world discovers who she is. I feel that her music and me discovering and writing about who I am, are going to be closley linked, even though I am probably old enough to be her granny. Who knows we may yet find out that we are related. Now wouldn’t that be a miracle?

Blessings Joy

24 Hours Later

It has been a full 24 hours since I stood on this spot and watched my daughter’s plane take off, as she headed back home, leaving me on holiday with my husband (MB) and my MIL.DSC_0270 I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane

Hubby and I spent a lovely morning exploring the old parts of Faro. This put me in my element, I love exploring old towns and cities, I almost have the sense of having lived in those times, and I know the twist and turn of the narrow streets. Our holiday has taken a twist of it’s own too, since my DD left.

 

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There has been a sense of serene-ness, interspersed with some paranoia from my MIL. She accused me of “going into her room early this morning, and telling, nay demanding, that she should get up”, she told my hubby. At this point I had not even set 1 foot downstairs, and hubby knew this, so for once I heard him defending me. All too often I hear her saying things, and he doesn’t defend me, but in this instance he did. Much as I think that she needs to kick her own arse out of bed, before this holiday is completely over, and we are heading back to the UK, I hadn’t actually said it out loud…..I hadn’t even set 1 foot down the stairs at this point.

MIL has now gone into whimpering child mode, which really sets my darker side on alert. I really must try and remain calm, so that I can enjoy the rest of my time here. Husband is now piggy-in-the-middle as he tries to get her to at least get dressed and go out once in the holiday. So far she has remained in a nightie. It is 10 days now! I can hear her whimpering to him, but we really do need to get her out so that the cleaners can get in and clean the villa, including her room!

2 HOURS LATER:

Well we managed to get her dressed, and take her out to lunch. What a saga that was, she moaned and groaned all the time we were out. Nothing that we did could make her say anything pleasant. It was too hot, her feet hurt, her legs hurt, she didn’t want anything to eat, she wanted to go back and lie down on the bed. We went for a short drive after the non-event of lunch, and she was like a spoilt child, just wanting her own way all the time. Hubby wanted to take her round the area to show her the work that had been taking placce since she was last there. Well she refused to even look out the window. I realised that I sometimes act like this, and that her behaviour is a mirror being held up to me. I vowed that I would try and be a little bit more pleasant to MB in future.

Well only another 2 full days here. I will miss this place, but I sincerely hope that this is the last time we bring MIL. Her health is just not up to the journey, and then the heat. This saga is about to come to an end. I will now look forward to holidaying out here in the future and seeing more of the Algarve than I have done in the past.

Blessings Joy

How Connected Are We?

At the moment, in the UK, we are having fierce debates pre Referendum on whether or not we should stay within the European Union (EU) This post is not about the pros and cons about whether we should stay in or get out, there is enough of that, without me adding my 5 pence worth, but what struck me, is our close ties to the Continent, including Scandinavia, with our history of invasions and occupations going back 2000 years and more. Romans, Saxons, Vikings, Danes, you name them, at one time or another we have been a country that other nations and peoples have tried to invade and connect us to their homelands.

I am now on my second piece of reading material, on holiday, and this time it is Edward Rutherford’s “London”, a 1300+ page tome, which is giving me an insight into how our Capital city of London has evolved over the millenia, as 1 by 1 the home forces and the invading ones, left thier mark, notably in the place names of the city itself.

So when I came across this video on Daniel Arendzen’s blog just a few days ago, which coincidentally is called konexxion the 2 seemed inextricably linked. I think I know where my ancestors came from, but chances are I have very little idea, if this clip is anything to go by.

I would love to know who I am connected to, wouldn’t you? Would you dare to take the DNA test and find out?

Blessings Joy

Daily Prompt “Connectedhttps://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/connected/